If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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