We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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