You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
