Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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