Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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