I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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