Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
