someone get that fucking seahorse.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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