my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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