I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
