My hand turned me down
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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