I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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