She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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