I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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