i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
