Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
