You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
