Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
