Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
