Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
