Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
