So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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