i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
