Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
