I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
