Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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