I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
