i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
