Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
