There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
