I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Randomize
