i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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