Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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