seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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