Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
