How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
