Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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