Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
