4 words: hood of his car
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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