If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I want her autograph on my taint
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
