i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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