I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
