What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Even my vagina gasped.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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