I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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