Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
