we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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