She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
