I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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