We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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