Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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